resolution

i don't usually have real resolutions that i've been able to keep, just the boring ones everyone else has year after year - to lose weight, to exercise more, to save money, etc. but this year is different. my new years resolution is......

to be more positive in every aspect of my life.

i've always been a pessimist. the people that really know me know that about me. it's not an outlook that i wanted to have. just a result of life experiences, maturity, environment and many other factors. genetic predisposition? maybe.

so how do i go about changing the very core of me, all 30 years of pessimism? not quite sure. but it's a tough road ahead. is there some kind of 12-step program i can follow?

..... i do know that somewhere deep inside me underneath all the layers of cynicism and disgust, i hold a little tiny space that i protect from all my negative thoughts. usually i forget that it's there. to be honest, i haven't thought about that space in a very long time. that secret spot holds a tiny bit of hope left in me. it's the kind of hope that might just save me from myself. i've never reached into that hidden space. i think i've held it in reserve all these years, waiting for the right time, for when i truly needed it. now i find myself wanting to reach into that little nook, desperate to grasp it and hold it tightly to me so that i'd never lose it.

i need it. so much depends on it now.

wish me luck.